Let me tell you a true story from today.
I’m here at Lake Atitlan, Guatemala spending a few days in a personal spiritual retreat of sorts.
Nice, right? A few days off from work, biz, and the general energy of lots of noisy things out there needing me to be doing lots of things
Expectation: psychic insights. ancestral healing. nonstop synchronicity. spiritual magic of all sorts. sparkles shooting out of my third eye. love at first sight over kombucha. kundalini explosions. too much vegan gelato.
Reality: inner demons. more inner demons. spiders. more inner demons. too much vegan gelato.
Yeah… designated space for inner work is NOT easy. It’s not always (or… even often) some super sparkle activated spiritual holiday when we take that periodic space from the noise and see what’s there when we let the energy settle.
It’s sooo easy to go, go, go. Trust me. I’ve spent the past 7 years traveling pretty much non-stop, while hustling my way around the world – teaching, coaching, consulting, writing, designing and freelancing – all the while hopping countries every month or two, any money I saved going to the next plane ticket or business coach or spiritual/holistic training certification – all with the vigor of someone who – well – has been GOING for so long that they just… don’t… know…. how… to…. stop…. anymore.
So today, this bereft energy of overwhelm, lost-ness, fatigue, and (I hate to admit it but) self-loathing set in – big time. Soon becoming a huge cloud, then a weight – of failure, anxiety, fear, entrapment. Then shame, at literally working in the personal development space, and feeling at such a loss for how to deal with my own demons – rapidly growing in size, intensity, and number of demonic teeth……
I walked. And walked and walked and walked. It’s the medicine… whenever I feel trapped.
A gorgeous friend of mine called (a sister, really) – and held space as I shared my sadness of what I perceived to be a loss of spark, loss of passion, loss of life force energy. At one point I told her about how I’d woken up the previous morning with a GINORMOUS spider right next to my face – (um, as an arachnophobic) – and hardly flinched. Like the vital life energy inside me was just…. drained.
(Spider medicine is all about owning our creative gifts… so not a mistake this creature has been in my field a LOT here – I encourage you to notice which animals are circling your field right now as well…)
After walking for hours, simply being with the energy… speaking to her, tapping, wandering, following flow… feeling whatever was there w/ no judgment… there was shift. Indulging a few simple pleasures – a sack full of rambutans eaten while gazing at the lake. Doing nothing. Yes, I said doing nothing. Trust me, it triggers the “do-er” in me. The achiever. The fear of failure for never doing enough. Just “being” triggers it all. So I be-ed. And be-ed some more.
Returning home, a quiet stillness finally settled in my mind. Sweet relief. And in it… an effervescent whisper… the first hints of a creative spark returning.
Intuition led me to the bookshelf, where I saw Osho’s ginormous “Book of Secrets.” Pulled it out – where undoubtedly it had been resting for awhile, as two large brown spiders speedily leaped off its cover and into the air. This little creature that’s been following me here… (my worst nightmare..!)…the symbol of creative wisdom and power…. like an electric shock, I jumped as my heart leapt and flung the book, laughing as the life force energy returns….
And so it goes….