As I lay beneath the verdant canopy, the familiar song of the rushing river cascades over the chaos in my mind, her voice soothing my soul like a nourishing salve of rejuvenation.
The earth beneath me cradles my body as the trees dance freely overhead, their leaves and branches flickering and laughing in celebration of life.
My hips and pelvis intuitively want to shake as the medicine works through stored trauma, releasing it through gentle vibrations generated from an invisible force within.
I know this river now – four ceremonies in fact, here in her nourishing presence, and twice at the rock. Two sacred sites with divinely different energy – the divine Feminine and Masculine.
I’ve learned so much about the energy of the land here – the potency of the places we take in. The rock has so much to teach me as well – there, I unearth mysteries from my mind, tracing the patterns back, back, back and revealing the fragility of the identity I hold so strongly to in this life. It’s entirely shifting and confronting, in the best possible way. I know I have more work to do at the rock – much more. But today, we’re here.
Shake. Shake. Shake.
It’s my last day with the medicine for now, as I leave Peru this week – and I’m so grateful and glad to be with the nourishing feminine energy of the river.
She has taught me how to deeply feel, to receive and sink into pleasure and joy, how to ignite the roaring lioness inside of me. She’s helped me remember who I really am.
Letting my body move freely with the healing vibrations, I commune with the medicine, curious what messages it has for me today. This is always a dance… a tapestry of new reality woven between sacred plant wisdom and human consciousness… a graceful guidance into surrender, so as to see beyond human eyes.
I couldn’t have imagined what to expect before I met the sacred cactus 6 weeks ago. In fact, I thought I’d come to Peru to work with Mama Aya. But the Sacred Valley has a magical way of guiding you exactly where you need to be, which is how I found Huachuma Wasi – and fell in love with the magic of this place. I immediately felt a deep resonance with Sergey, his beautiful family, and the potent aura of love I felt here.
And soon, as I would find, with the Huachuma medicine.
It became clear right away that this was a journey – not a one-and-done type of experience. This medicine needed to learn about me, to take its time gently moving deeper through me, to clear out blockages and heal past traumas, creating the space to show me a new reality.
Over these weeks working with Sergey and Huachuma, the medicine has illuminated where I’ve needed healing, and taught me how to FEEL. My entire life, I thought I was feeling – but in truth, I was thinking about feeling. Always thinking.. about… everything.
What does it truly mean to feel – without the thinking?
What does Huachuma have for me on this final day?
The leaves flicker and dance overhead, and I am transfixed by their language. Everything is so ALIVE – it nearly overwhelms me. How are we not living constantly in awe, moving through a world that is so… alive?
I start to feel my inner child awaken, instantaneously clarifying for me things I’d forgotten. I see her in the dancing trees, hear her in the laughing river, feel her in the softness of the grass beneath me. She is an artist, a creator, so playful and loving and free. How have I forgotten that? When did I stop giving her permission to be who she is – a creator?
When did I stop trusting her innate, infinite creative path? She is here to play and explore – when did she become so caged in?
I’m struck with the knowing that I’ve attached to men who embody their wounded child, as a connection for me back to mine. Immediately, this knowing is washed over by the powerful healing waters below, leaving me cleansed and renewed – completely connected to my blissful and infinitely wise and creative child within.
The river becomes me then, roaring through my blockages, relentlessly flowing from an infinite Source. Where does it come from? The answer is immediate. It is here. It is me. The Source of it all. It flows through me, cleansing me, and it is me. There is no beginning because it is a limitless outpouring of energy and potential… creativity and play.
I am overcome with the need to move now – to merge the earth with my feet, play in its vastness, drink the river’s roar more deeply into my veins. I cross the trail to a flat rock perched above the river, and lay on its warm, smooth surface. Closing my eyes the vibrant paradise around me turns to an ecstatic kaleidoscope of its own behind my eyes.
Surrender. Show me. Teach me.
I become the river. She is me. I am her. Our infinite Source forever feeding new energy, new life, never-ending. It’s so clear – this Source. Life doesn’t begin, or end. Life – the Universe – IS.
It is the rushing river with an infinite wellspring leading to an infinite ocean of love and life forever.
There is “me”, but also, there isn’t… “me”. There is no “me” separate from “that”.
There is only…
My eyes crack open slightly, turning to slivers, taking in an impossible brightness.
Suddenly, I am completely overtaken by beauty in a way I cannot describe.
To be transparent with you, I have no real words for this moment – the medicine is beyond human words.
(One thing I’ve learned is that emotion and experience are at one energetic frequency, and words are at another, lower frequency. We need them, of course – but there are experiences which quite literally have no words to adequately depict them.)
The magnificence of the jungle and valley and river before me overwhelms me beyond belief – it becomes me. There is no “me” separate from this infinite beauty – heaven on earth.
I feel a sensation of being filled to the brim with this beauty – as though eating from a divine, never-ending Feast. The sensation is so overwhelming and filling, I nearly have to look away. But I’m transfixed.
Consuming hungrily with my eyes, ears, and body – it strikes me that I am eating a gluttonous feast with my senses, yet somehow, it never reaches the brim – and I don’t need to feel guilty about it. I somehow have an endless capacity to take in this nourishment, merge with it, to “feast” with my eyes in this buffet of paradise. It’s unbelievable.
I realize immediately that we must consume nature in the same way that we consume food – only much moreso. Our human bodies literally consume our environment and turn it into our cells, our energy… it’s so clear. Be in nature – see her, feel her, smell her, hear her, consume her.
This message imprints into my cells, and somehow I know the gift of this beauty will not leave me once I leave the ceremony here at the river.
I am a part of it, I am that – the infinite energy creating all of this beauty, it is me. We are literally one and the same. I can hardly believe it, and yet nothing has ever made more sense. Feasting on beauty here is simply returning home, nothing has ever been more right.
Tears of gratitude flood my eyes, turning the scene before me into a watery mosaic of heaven I never expected to experience while here on this Earth.
Back at my little grove in the forest, Sergey is waiting and smiling – I express to him this awe and amazement in realizing we literally feast with our eyes to consume the beauty that IS us.
He laughs knowingly, cactus-colored eyes sparkling, and says to me, “I want you to share this with the world.”
On the way back we cross the river, and I stop to breathe in this magical place one last time – for now. Thank you, Mother Nature, thank you, Huachuma, thank you Sergey. Gratitude fills my soul in a way that defies words.
As we turn to follow the sunset home, infinite Source plunges relentlessly forth through her riverbanks, flooding my entirety with the Knowing and Beingness of her sacred love and Our infinite life.